Common lines after people get drunk…

1. Tu toh mera bhai hai re…

2.You know i am not drunk...

3. Gaadi mai chalaunga…

4. Abe abhi itni aur andar ja sakti hai…

5. Tu bura mat manana bhai…

6. Mai teri dil se izzat karta hu…

7. Abe bol daal aaj usko, aar yaa paar....

8. Aaj saali chadh nahi rahi hai, kya bat hai ?…

9. Tu kya samajh raha hai mujhe chadh gayi hai…

10. Ye mat samajh ki piye mein bol raha hu…

11. Abe yaar kahin kam to nahi padegi itnee...

12. Chhote, ek ek chhota aur ho jae…

13. Baap ko mat sikha.

14. Yaar magar tune mera dil tod diya...

15. Kuchh bhi hai par saala dost hai apna…

16. Tu bolna bhai, kya chahiye…Jaan chahiye hazir hai ???

17.Abe mere ko aaj tak nahi chadhee...shart laga saala aaj tu..

18. Chal teri baat karata hoon usse, phone number de uska...

19 . Yaar aaj uski bahut yaad aa rahi hai..

The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies:

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as ' Loretta' instead of 'Steve '

Delcaration for Staff members

Dear STAFF,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE:

Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wow! said 1 employee).- They are called SUNDAYs.

LUNCH BREAK:

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.To have something removed.

21 Facts to Know

1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions.

2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!

3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.

4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.

5. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.

6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.

7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.

8. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.

9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.

10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.

11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.

13. Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.

14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

15. Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.

16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.

17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing.

18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year.

19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot .

20. Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal.

21. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

Thaaaaaaaats Amaaziiing

A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.

She asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.

"Madam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"

The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Madam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Boy.: "Pockets."

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut ;

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.Boy.: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...Boy.: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.Boy.: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.Boy.: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.Boy.: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.Boy.: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?Boy.: Fire truck

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand. Boy.: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy.: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to IIM AHMEDABAD, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".